News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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