I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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