oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
