The maid of honor just puked.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
