Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
