A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
