$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
what day is it and did you see me today?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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