I want to walk on stilts...naked
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
