How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
3 2 1 whiskey
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
