She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
