I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
