96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
