The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
