I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
