Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
