you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
