Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
