im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
