9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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