dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
your penis
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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