I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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