just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
