did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
