i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
