The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
