your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
