I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
