I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
