apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
