Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
