I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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