can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
