Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
