omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
