Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
