No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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