I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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