Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
