She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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