My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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