First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
