I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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