Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
It's blow job season.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
