ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She's JV to your varsity
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
