you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
