I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
