my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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