maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
