If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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