I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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